2012 Preview - Men's Open Links
17:55 1/08/2012 Prepared by Eagle Eye (aka Eagle Eye)
Eagle Eye is over in London covering the Olympic Games for the BBC, but that has not prevented the all important Season Preview from arriving in the Eagles TFC mailbox. This is the first part of the 2012 Mens Open Season Preview trilogy... Better than the Shades of Grey trilogy??? Probably...
Lachlan STANTON: A man of considerable speed who will be used as an attacking weapon by coach Beesley this year in the Cobras Cup.. In the words of Gus Gould, you cant coach against speed and Stanto has it in spades.. There is only one thing quicker than Stanto; and that is the speed with which women take there pants off when they see him.. A recent 18 month stint of intoxication has left this journalist a little concerned as to how Lachy will play if coach Beesley puts him on a booze ban and with this in mind, I would not be surprised if he is afforded a 'special' drink bottle in the sub box that see's him slurring words in defence.. Afterall, this is a natural state for the beloved Lachlan so dont expect a drop in performance due to a rise in blood alcohol.. Also has a gambling addiction but that is best left for another article..
Ken ADAMS: The smartest player in the team, hands down.. Not only will Ken be calculating the number of tries he scores this year, but he will be forming a makeshift excel spreadsheet in his frontal lobe to store the force, velocity and torque generation at which he hit each and every whole during the match.. This data will then, miraculously, pop up in the year 9 mathematics examination at the prestigous Nudgee Secondary College.. A pleasure to play alongside, Ken will be looking to use his blue and yellow 'swoop' kicks to his benefit and show his form as a brilliant link footballer.. In his spare time, Kenneth enjoy's cooking meals for under $10 that feeds a family of 4.. IQ = 188..
Bill SENIOR: Bill has an obsession with asian women, especially those of philipino heritage.. Will be a much improved aerodynamic running machine this year having been shorn 2 months ago.. His hair was used to develop 987 blankets for underprivileged african children, a lovely gesture from our boy William.. The only player to have been sent off and banned during last season, Bill will be looking for improved discipline this year as he fronts up for eagles div 1 for another season.. He will also be looking to improve his fashion sense, with critics labelling some of his recent outfits a 'cross between a skunk and a half cooked casserole'.. Glides across the ground..
Tyce ZENDLER: The only member of the eagles div 1 outfit to sport a comb-over hair do, Tyce has come along in leaps and bounds during the pre season and will also be making his debut this year for A-Grade.. Again, a massive congrats mate and hope this season is a break out year for yo ass.. Is at similar $4.55 odds to Greeny for rookie of the year honours, Tyce will be hoping his boyish good looks and boy-band hair style will serve him well when voting goes behind doors at Lantanaland.. If there are any pedophiles in the BMTA referee squad then we can expect a few calls to go our way with Tyce on our side.. Has a perfect blue steel look and may miss a few fixtures as a result of his budding modelling career for Stefan Hair Fashions..
Nick CHISHOLM: Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson and Nick Chisholm attended the British X-Factor audtions as individual artists and left as the most powerful boy band in the history of music, One Direction.. On a recent trip to Australia promoting their debut album, Nick decided he would have a dabble at this sport they call 'touch football' and the rest is history.. Nick made the heartbreaking decision to quit the band, end the worldwide tour and find a nice 2 bedroom, one bathroom apartment in acacia ridge where he now calls home.. Having very quickly lost his british accent, Nick's debut year in both touch football and eagles A-Grade will be closely monitored not only by coach Beesley but also the british tabloids, whose dog-eat-dog mentality has them baying for Nick's failure.. Is on the front line of betting of $4.55 for rookie of the year (surprise surprise).. Also looks like Aaron Carter..
Ryan JACKS (c): The inspirational skipper, if you believed Ryan's attire for pre season training then you would think he has played for every NRL club in the land and who am I to argue.. Recently became a proud father for the second time to Abbey, and the fact she has only shat on the carpet twice and pissed in his work shoes once has Ryan in a very clear and relaxed headspace this season, which can only spell d-a-n-g-e-r for opposition defensive structures.. A history of high level rep touch in his blood, Ryan is a really really big fan of BMTA and TFA and has nothing but the utmost respect for the men in white whom are entrusted with the control of the game.. Not a good bloke to be in a shout with when on the fizz, particularly at Fridays Riverside, as his obsession with buying rocket fuel based drinks makes him difficult to keep up with.. However, is a GREAT bloke to be around when the cyclone is brewing, just ask Geldart's neighbours..
EAGLE EYE 2012