EMAIL US YOUR JOKE  nfnc@dcsi.net.au

 “Please shut up”

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife
smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

 

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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

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 President Bush was visiting a primary school in New Orleans and he dropped in
on one of the classes that had just opened after Hurricane Katrina.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word “tragedy”.

So President Bush asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that…..would that be a tragedy?”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand:

“If a school bus carrying 50 children away from
the recent flood waters drove over a cliff killing everyone inside…that would
be a tragedy”

“I am afraid not” explained the president “that’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised hand. In a…..quiet voice he said:….

“If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly-fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Bush. “That’s right, now tell me and the class why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a friggen’ accident either.”………….

 

As an airplane was about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman!"
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane
who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?'
A man stands up and removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this

30/07/06

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
 
God said,  "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days  to Live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the  hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even  had someone come in and
change her hair colour. Since she had so much  more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of  it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an  ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you  said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the  path of the ambulance?"

God  replied:  "I didn't recognize  you."

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There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back,
“You ARE on the other side.”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?”
“HellOOOooo,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

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A Bear & A Lion & A Chicken are discussing how fierce and scary they can be . The Bear said , when I growl , all around me shake with fear. The Lion said, when I roar the whole Jungle quivers in fear. The Chicken said, that’s a load of bollocks, all I have to do is Cough
and the whole world shits itself .

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There was a little red lady collecting for the red cross.
She went down a little red street and stopped at a little red house.
She knocked on the little red door and there was a little red man in the shower.
So the little red man turned of his little red shower and put on his
little red robe and went to answer his little red door.
When he answered the little red lady said she was collecting for the red cross
and would he care to make a donation.
So the little red man reached into his robe and pulled out a five.
The little red lady said “is that all you care to donate”.
So the little red man reached back into his robe and pulled out a ten.
Once again the little red lady said “is this alllllll you care to donate”.
So the little red man reached into his robe for the third time and as he did his robe fell down.
The little red Lady freaked out and ran across the road and got hit by a truck.
What is the moral of the story.
DONT RUN ACROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE LITTLE RED MAN IS FLASHING! 

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A mans wife dies whilst on holiday in Isreal. The officials tell him that they can bury her there for £150 or they can prepare the body and fly it home for £15000.The husband says that he wants her flown home, but the officials can’t understand this.
“Why would you pay all that money to fly her home when you can give her a perfectly good funeral here for £150?” they ask
“Well” says the husband, “2000 years ago a man died in this country and in three days he rose from the dead. I just can’t take the same  chance.”

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I was stuck in a huge traffic jam on the freeway last week. There for ages.
A man came along & said that terrorists had captured a car up front containing John Howard, Tony Abbott & Peter Costello and were demanding $300 million in ransom or they would douse the car with petrol and burn them
He said “I’m taking up a collection”
I said “ok how much is everyone giving”
He said” about five litres”

 

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Male Sensitivity - Aussie Style

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the
body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her ”You must be Steve’s widow”. She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’ And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are’.”

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world.”

Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
“It’s official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,”

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am officially the
smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, “Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?”

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A catholic priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and an Muslim Imam all serve as chaplains to the students at a university. They get together two or three times a week for coffee, and to talk “shop.”

One day, one of the three makes the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. The real challenge is to preach to a bear! The three are highly competitive. One thing leads to another and they decide to experiment. They all agree to go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they come together to boast of their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in sling, on crutches, and wearing various bandages, goes first.

“Well,” he says, ” I go into the woods to find me a bear. And when I find him, I begin to read from the Catechism. Well, the bear wants nothing to do with me and begins to slap me around. So I quickly grab my holy water, sprinkle it on him
and, Holy Mother of God, he becomes as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation,” he brags.

Reverend Billy Bob, the southern Baptist is next. He is in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he proclaims, “Well brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle water, but I go out to the woods as we agreed, and I find me a bear. And I begin to read to my bear from God’s holy word.”

“But that bear wants nothing to do with me. So we begin to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another, and down another until we come to a creek. So I quickly dunk him and baptize him. And just as you say, this bear becomes as gentle as a lamb. We spend the rest of the time praying and praising the Lord.”

They both look at the Imam, who is lying on a stretcher. He is in a body cast and traction with I-V tubes and monitors running in and out of him. He is so bandaged up you can hardly recognize him. In short, he is in very bad shape.

The Imam looks up with resignation and says,

“Looking back on it, I now realize that circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

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John Howard today announced that he is changing our emblem from the Kangaroo and Emu to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

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One day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."   
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"   So God agreed.   

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."   
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"   
And God agreed.   

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."   
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"   
And God agreed again.   

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."   
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"   
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."   

So, that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.   
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.   
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.